koalatea:

*deletes your number and stops checking your horoscope to emphasize how dead to me you are*

ghoullly:

Psychic: *reads my mind*

Me:

Psychic: what the fuck

Villain: *slices off piece of apple with sharp knife and eats it. With a smug and sinister smile he paces the floor*

Hostages: *wait in fearful silence, anticipating villain’s first lines*

Villain: mmmm tasty apple me likey

me: has anxiety over work i haven’t done
me: has internal breakdown instead of doing work

blackberryshawty:

*me lying to men* oh wow that’s so interesting